life

R E S P E C T (sing it like Aretha)

~ queenmum85 ~ Leave a comment

“Oh the times, they are a changing”

I’m from the protest generation.  The 60’s and 70’s, when I was growing up. were a time of huge cultural change regarding human rights and ideals.  The Vietnam War, POW and MIA movements, bra burning.  Working for or against the “MAN”.  Woman could finally get a loan and a credit card without a male co-signer.  We marched for peace, we smoked “funny stuff”, psychedelics   became a way to open the mind (trippy).  It was the “dawning of the age of Aquarians”.  All the cliches.  Some things were positive, some things were dangerous, some were wrong.  We lost friends to war, drugs, alcohol, crazy drug induced accidents, suicide.  We made less life choices based on gender, women entered cooperate America in greater numbers.

We were raised by parents and grandparents who believed that children should be sheltered, you weren’t allowed to enter into serious conversations with adults, you didn’t talk about “family business or finances”.  It wasn’t discussed in front of us.  Sex was a taboo topic.  Polite people never talked about politics or religion at social gatherings.  Neighborhoods were small and relatively safe.  You left home after breakfast in the summer. and often ate lunch at a friends house.  You came home by dinner time.  We walked or rode our bikes to school.  Highschool boys, especially in the country, went to school with shot guns in their car.  We had smoking areas at the High Schools.

Some of us grew up and realized that there was a balance between our world and their world.  We went to work for the “MAN”, we embraced some of their more traditional values and kept a lot of the social changes.  Others joined communes or entered into alternate live style choices.  We were more outspoken about social issues, continued to push for changes and at the same time entered into the previous “American Dream”.  We wanted our kids to have more opportunities than we had, pursue their dreams, work smarter, not harder.  We were part of the age of inventions, at no time in history has there been a time of such radical technological innovations.  We had record players and albums, then 8 tracks, cassette players, MP3 players, cd players, ipods and now we are streaming on our phones.  Phones?  Let’s talk telephones, wall phones, princess phones, cordless phones, bag phones, satellite phones, cell phones and now hand held mini computers.  We text not talk, text to talk… you get the general idea.

So where has that led us?  Perhaps it was too much too fast.  We now lead life at the speed of a sound wave.  Everything is instant, instant news, instant opinions, everyone is an expert about everything.  We discuss everything, we expose everything.  We are surrounded by constant chatter, constant debate and it seems instant hate and division.  We make our minds up about issues, people and ideas in a split second.  There is no opening of the mind, there is no contemplation about the deeper meaning of our lives and our purpose.  There is no “two sides to every story”, there is only our side and their side.  Maybe our parents and grandparents were onto something.  Maybe politics and religion should not be discussed in social settings.  Our former in person to person social setting has been replaced by social media.  We forget that there is another human on the other side of the discussion.  We see people not as people but as opinions. We don’t want to debate, we want to hate.  It seems people only respect themselves and those that agree with them.  Decorum and tact are a thing of the past.

Why is the current world full of the hatred and violence my generation fought so hard against?  Why have we left the age of Aquarius and entered the age of discontent?  Why isn’t anyone entitled to their opinion anymore?  It seems we have taught people to express themselves but we forgot to teach them how.  We have forgotten for every opinion, for every thought expressed, for every cause that is fought for and for every topic that is discussed, there is a human person involved.  A human person that is just as real, just as loved by someone, just as broken as you are, just as desperate to be heard.  They deserve respect, their life deserves respect, their opinion deserves respect, their heart deserves respect.  Agreement and respect are very different things.  You don’t need everyone to agree with you, no one is every completely right or wrong.  At the end of the day, if you can’t treat someone with respect and dignity as a human person, then your ideals, opinions and beliefs are just empty rhetoric. 

Open the Bag

~ queenmum85 ~ 1 Comment

Those that know me, know that I love puzzles. Pretty much all puzzles (except for crossword puzzles). I’ve been “BUSY” and have neglected some things that I really enjoy. So I decided a couple of weeks ago to do one of the many puzzles I have waiting for me. I sat down to open the bag, but I paused. So many things to do, so many responsibilities waiting for me on my calendar and on my never ending to do lists (yes I have more than one), and I almost didn’t open the bag. I looked at all those pieces, thought about all my many obligations and knew if I opened the bag I would be committed to do this puzzle and ignore some of those “pressing issues” in front of me.

Then I thought, what the heck, if I open the bag what’s the big deal. Am I not going to organize my desk for the third time this week? Is someone going to have to figure out their own dinner tonight? Is the kitchen floor going to be dirty for a few days? What is really going to happen if I take a couple of days to do this puzzle? If God decides that he’s going to take me from this Earth today or tomorrow, will the fact that my laundry needs washing, or my dishes are not all clean or my floors are dirty make any difference to me or the people that love me?

So I opened the bag, did the puzzle, and enjoyed every minute of it. No earthquakes, no disasters, everyone was fed, clothed and the bills were paid. This got me thinking, what other things in my life have I put off because I thought there were more pressing disasters looming in the future. What’s actually going to transpire in the a few hours I dedicate to do something that seemes less important.

We are not guaranteed any time or minute of the future. It’s necessary and practical to plan ahead but it’s just as necessary to, and even more important to enjoy every minute we are fortunate to be given. Open the bag, use the best China, eat the dessert, take the trip, explore what’s not comfortable or familiar. Don’t put off what your heart’s desire.

Are you pretending?

~ queenmum85 ~ Leave a comment

When you watch very young children at play you will notice that a key part of their development is pretending. Children imitate what they see others do, it’s how they discover how things are. They mimic speech and expressions, they pretend to cook, and shop. They have tea parties and learn how to interact with others. Manners are learned this way. You say please and thank you and they do too. They treat their dolls and stuffed animals as if they were real. They clothe and feed them, hug and kiss them. Most of the times their play is exaggerated. The voices and facial expressions are over the top. The hugs almost knock you over, the laughter borders on hysterical, the tears are sobbing, gut wrenching, breath losing episodes. Anger is sudden and often involves throwing oneself on the floor or throwing objects.

If all goes well, at some point they began to learn boundaries based on the reactions to their behavior. They learn self – control and learn what is expected of them. They still play but things are more realistic and somewhere around the age of 8 or 9 you can see a shift towards something more mature and appropriate. Of course, this is a generalization and all children do things at different stages and learn things in different ways, but overall pretending is replaced by imagination.

What is the difference between the pretending and imagination. Pretending is role playing, acting like others, or acting like who you want to be. As adults we occasionally pretend, think Halloween costumes, masquerade balls, Renaissance Faires or tea parties. It’s still fun to play dress up and do something a bit over the top occasionally. Imagination on the other hand is a bit harder to explain. Imagination is more akin to dreaming. You conjure up images and ideas and imagine how they would look or how you can realize them in some form or the other. Without imagination there would be no great art, no great literature, no inventions or medical cures. All good ideas start in someone’s mind as a dream to be realized and imagination makes that possible. Pretending is acting as someone you are not, imagining is drawing from what you love or know and turning into something to be shared with others.

Now this brings me to my point; I’m sorry it was the long way around. We as a society have substituted pretending for imagining. We have made pretending the norm. Acting is pretending in its highest form, and great actors are great pretenders and that’s okay as a profession, but we should not be living life this way. We are making it okay for people to decide not to be who they are, and this is keeping them from reaching their greatest potential and it’s keeping our society from making great progress. If you don’t like some physical attribute you have, there is a garment, a pill or surgery for that. If you don’t like how you are feeling, well there’s a drug or stimulate or a suppressant for that. I’m not talking about real mental or physical disabilities here; I’m talking about finding happiness or satisfaction in pretending you are someone you are not. I’m not tall but I’m not going to wear stilts to be taller, that would be ridiculous (and awkward because I am definitely not coordinated enough to pull that off).

Speaking of ridiculous – a three-year-old that wants to pretend they are a dog and bark and eat their food without using their hands is completely normal and expected. Generally, we put up with it for a while and then let them know that they are in fact not a dog and should eat as civilized folks eat. A teenager that wants to pretend they are a dog every day and eat out of a dog bowl and dress up and bark, well I’m sorry if you disagree, but it’s ridiculous. We should be cultivating imagination, not pretending. Pretending should be a step toward imagination.

So should we stop pretending all together? Well no, it can cultivate imagination in healthy doses. It’s okay to “play dress up” every now and then. Is my hair grey? Yes. Do I dye it? Yes. Am I pretending I don’t have grey hair? In a way. Is it harmful to society or myself? Probably not. Am I always a nice, caring individual? No. Do I lose my temper and act horrible sometimes? Yes. Do I pretend I don’t? No. And knowing that reality causes me to try to do better. Pretending to the point of self-deception is harmful to yourself and others. Pretending you are something or someone you are not is equally harmful. It keeps people from living up to their full protentional and society desperately needs all of our full protentional and contributions. Society needs our imagination realized. Everyone has something different to offer, but if they aren’t being themselves then they can’t offer it.

Who or are you pretending to be? Sometimes you get up sad, or mad or tired and you pretend you aren’t and act like you aren’t and sometimes that works, and it snaps you out of it or gives you a different prospective. But what if you wake up every single day, sad or mad or tired? Do you keep pretending? Probably not a good idea. Time to use your imagination, imagine yourself not sad, or mad or tired. What would that look like? Now imagine how to fix it. Do you need professional help? A vacation? Do you need to spend more time doing something you love and less time on things that make you sad, or mad or tired? Does that seem impossible? Not if you use your imagination as a tool. Brainstorming – grab a friend (not an imaginary one) and get their input. Look at it this way: pretending is a band aide, imagination is a cure.

Is it time to ask yourself: who are you pretending to be?

The Ugly and the Beautiful

~ queenmum85 ~ 2 Comments

There are two sides to every story, two sides to the same coin, there’s a double-edged sword, yin and yang.  There are countless idioms that express this thought.  We tend to look at things in terms of good or bad, right or wrong, ugly or beautiful.

There is ugly in the world.  Evil that has all kinds of faces. We are bombarded by it every day in the news, online, maybe in line at the checkout, definitely on the highway.  Sometimes we are shocked by things that people we thought we knew say.  Sometimes it’s a misunderstanding, sometimes they are having a bad day and their reaction has nothing to do with you, but it is their response to something ugly that has happened to them.

There is so much beautiful in the world.  Sunrise, sunset, the Northern Lights.  The mountains and the oceans.  Birds and flowers.  Art, music, poetry and great literature. 

What I want to talk about is the ugly and the beautiful when it is one and the same.  It’s not two-sided.  It’s in perception.  It’s a mindset, a way of thinking that can shake up your world in ways that are completely unexpected and sometimes life altering.  It’s a way of thinking that can change your mood and how you react to things in such a profound way that you will never be the same.

What if the ugly and the beautiful can sometimes be the same?  What if you could see the ugly as something beautiful?  How would that change your mood, alter the way you react to how you respond to the ugly? 

Sometimes in life, things that we might perceive as tragic, painful, hard to see or experience, still have a side of beauty to them.  Let’s start with something simple.  The desert perhaps, a hot and dry barren wasteland.  Full of plants that prick you and insects that sting you.  But in the desolation, there is certainly beauty.  Look closely and you will see that the cactus has the most beautiful flowers, the animals have the most amazing adaptations, the desolation is strangely appealing in some ways.  The scenery is beautiful in its immensity. 

So too, there are things in life, struggles and trials, that as we are going through them, we are so wrapped up in our own emotions we cannot see past what we are experiencing.  This is when it’s time to stop and take a breath, close our eyes and ask ourselves where is the beauty in this ugly situation?   It might not be there, or we may not be able to see it because of our grief.  If we keep an open mind and let the experience overtake us, you may find that there is beautiful there.  A parent is aging and it’s hard to see and very hard to cope with, especially if you are having to deal with all of the challenges.  Stop and look at their wrinkles, their aged hands.  Stop to think how this all represents a life well lived, so much beauty in those hands.  How many times have those hands comforted someone, shook someone’s hand to congratulate them, those shaky arms have hugged so many.  That’s the beautiful.  Start looking for the beautiful in your tough situations.

Sometimes the ugly is a call to you, a challenge.  Take something you see that’s ugly and turn into something beautiful.  Lend a hand, hug someone, pay a bill for them, treat them to lunch, just listen to them.  Make a difference.  Making a difference doesn’t have to be something huge, it doesn’t have to involve a huge financial donation or a grand gesture.  All you need to make a difference is an open mind, an open heart and an open ear.

Take time this week, look at the dead leaf as a sign that Spring is on the way.  Look at the ice on the trees and see the natural artistry there.  Be aware of the kindness of strangers you may observe or be that kind stranger.  Hug as many people as you can, hold someone’s hand, stop being afraid to be vulnerable.  Look at something you think is ugly and try to find the beauty in it.  If you can’t maybe try to turn it into something beautiful.  Ugly and beautiful don’t always have to be separated, sometimes you can take a rock and paint a lovely picture on it.  At least give it some thought.